The Sob Story Variant #1
This one uses the interesting (not!) intro technique of attempting to get your sympathy by telling you all about how poorly he was treated by his employers, and how rotten life is because he lost his job, and that how clever he is now for being "his own boss" by utilizing this little scam.
There are other interesting points about this variation, besides the fact that the fool who actually posted it used base64 encoding to post his article in a .wps format, making the stupid assumption that everyone out there has a) the knowledge and capability to decode a base64 encoded article, and b) a compatible word processor.
Some of the other "finer points" about this one:
- He's particularly stupid and greedy, adding another person to the list (to make 6 people) - apparently the thought of those extra hundreds of thousands of dollars has totally sent this guy off the deep end, because....
- He uses a 7.5% return rate! He even claims that the 7.5% return he uses in his calculations is "low" to make the money appear even better than the $800,000+ he claims you will make. At least this guy appears to have used a calculator or spreadsheet - his numbers actually remain consistent throughout his math explanation (forgetting, of course, that it is actually impossible to do this, even at the lower rates of return that others use as examples).
- He not only recommends adding the Email address of the other people on the list, but insists that you must send them Email letting them know that their dollar is on the way. (I don't know where in the chain this variation appeared, although probably at person 4, because that's where the first email address appears)
Let‘s do something here requested by some of the readers of these pages (I've already done this once in the "I Found It! Variant #1") - but we'll do it again for fun here. We shall do an analysis of the volume of mail vs. time problem.
We'll even give this guy some incredible benefit of the doubt. ..
- We'll assume it takes an extra couple of weeks because of the sixth name on the list (heck, let's give him a whole extra month).
- We'll assume he hires enough people to work 24 hours a day.
- We'll also assume the mail comes spread out evenly during that time period (even though this is a mathematical progression, and he would get 15 times the mail on each iteration as on the previous one instead of it being evenly spread - over 759 thousand of them on the last iteration alone).
There are 48 mail delivery days in 8 weeks (remember, the Post Office doesn't deliver on Sundays, when the wind is blowing from the wrong direction, one of their parrakeets gets diarrhea, or a rumor of a pay cut circulates. This doesn't count the normal holidays, of course). 48 days x 24 hours x 60 minutes x 60 seconds = 4,147,200 seconds in that time period. Taking the 813,615 pieces of mail that this plan is supposed to deliver to him and dividing it into those seconds available, we find that he is opening a piece of mail every 5.09 seconds. Damn, he's good, eh? He can relax and move a little slower if he actually works on Sundays to catch up on that mail - he'll be opening one letter every 5.9 seconds instead of 5.09.
This guy seems to have also used a spell checker, but his sentence spacing, comma and punctuation spacing was so atrocious that I have fixed the majority of it here so it doesn't irritate you as much as it did me.
To see the reply this spammer wrote me after I sent my standard response template to him and his ISP, click here.
"Dear Friend,
If you are anything like me,"
I'm not, thank God.
"you don't want to spend the rest of your life working for someone else and making THEM wealthy instead of yourself,do you? "
Actually, I already own my legitimate business, thank you very much. But I can understand that point, for I once was at that same place. Please go on...
"The last job I had, I worked for a company where a man and his wife were co-owners. Very nice people, don't get me wrong, but when I saw the house they lived in and the cars they drove and heard about the vacations they took while I was working for them, it didn't make me feel any better knowing that I was working for ‘nice' people."
Why shouldn't they? They started or bought the business, they run it, they take the risks and they reap the profit. Why should you do better than they do? You have the same opportunities to start a business as they did. And I mean a legitimate one, not one like I think you are about to tell me about.
"In fact, it only made me more upset because I knew that it was my hard work (along with the other co-workers) that was enabling them to fulfill their dreams, while we get by week to week on what they paid us. "
What's your point? In any one business, there is only room for one dream. Everyone else who chooses to work for them is (you can always quit, you know) working for the owners' dream, not their own. If it took you that long to realize it, you probably needed a wake-up call anyway. If you don't like that system, start your own business. That's the smart thing to do in any circumstance. But by business, I mean a legitimate one, not an illegal scam calling itself a business like this chain letter you're running.
"After I trained someone into my position,they cleverly found a way to ‘re-engineer personnel',and I found myself without a job. So much for working for ‘nice people'. "
Welcome to corporate life. Climb the ladder of success and find it's leaning against the wrong wall. You've never seen this happen before? You've never heard of it happening before? You never suspected that this could happen? Your point again is?
"After that, I decided that I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that my hard work makes me wealthy, not my boss. "
Hey, you made an itelligent decision. Too bad I have a feeling you're going to show me that your newfound intelligence did not last very long.
"Well guess what, now I'm my own boss. How's that for job security? "
It depends on how you go about it. If it's what I think it is, it may indeed become a very secure position. Maximum security, making license plates, with an unbreakable contract.
"Would you like to be your own boss? "
I already am, but I can agree that this should be something that appeals to everybody. After all, when you look in the mirror to ask the boss for a raise, he seldom refuses.
"Are you a good listener and do you follow directions to the letter very well? "
Contradiction Alert! I thought you said I was going to be my own boss - now you're telling me I have to do exactly what you say. By the way, mentorship is one thing, dictatorship is another.
"That is important, because it is the key to making a success out of what I'm about to tell you. "
I doubt there are any keys that actually will fit this lock.
"At first glance,this will seem ‘too good to be true' "
And second glance, and third, fourth.... nine millionth...
"but believe me, it works! "
Hmmm... I've heard this somewhere before. Like here and here and here and now here... Well, that's enough for now.
"It can fail, however, if anyone who joins does not follow through and do their part. "
It can indeed fail for that reason. It also can fail because it is mathematically impossible to sustain it.
"The success of this program relies and depends on everybody following through completely and correctly. At first it will seem not to work,"
And at second, third, fourth.....
"but be patient, It takes a good couple weeks for the results to kick in. "
I have to be patient for TWO WHOLE WEEKS to make over $800,000? I think I'll get a job at McDonald's.
"Here's how it works:"
Oh, goody, here comes the famous "explaination" that will tell us all about why this is such a wonderful system. With no faulty assumptions, I might add...
"1. You have a list of 6 people at the end of this letter. "
Yes, I see that you have been particularly greedy and stupid, adding another name to the list so that you will make 15 times the money (by your figures, of course).
"Place $1 in a note to each individual, writing: ‘Please put me on your mailing list. I am enclosing $1 for this service.' This is important! You must attatch that note with the dollar bill (wrap the dollar with the note). This note requesting to be put on their mailing list is the service you are paying $1 for. "
Follow the bouncing ball and chant along with me once again... on the US Postal Inspectors' Service page, it says: "Do not be fooled if the chain letter is used to sell inexpensive reports on credit, mail order sales, mailing lists, or other topics. The primary purpose is to take your money, not to sell information. ‘Selling' a product does not ensure legality.".
"If the person has an E-mail address listed on this letter, you must post them E-mail saying ‘please put me on your mailing list, I have put a dollar in the mail for you.'"
Now that's unique. I've never seen it in any of these letters before. Congratulations on coming up with a new idea. By the way, does the fact that you are going to be getting over 800 thousand emails bother you? Do you think it might bother your ISP provider? Will you have time to read them in between the 5.09 seconds per physical mail letter you will receive (see the calculation of the mail volume above)?
"Then send the 6 letters out in the mail. "
Just another reminder.... on the US Postal Inspectors' Service page, it says: "....Regardless of what technology is used to advance the scheme, if the mail is used at any step along the way, it is illegal."
"2. Remove the name next to #1 on the list and move the rest of the names up one position. Next place your name in the #6 spot.
3. When you have completed the above instructions,send /post copies to 200 or more newsgroups/people. The more you send, the better your results will be. I'll demonstrate why the number 200 is important in a minute. "
Standard instructions, but I can't wait to see your demonstration....
"You may want to save a copy of this letter for future use. (try it again in 6 months,but send it to those who had sent you $1 and joined your mailing list and the results will be greater that the first time. "
Yes, save this letter so that your name appears back in it again. I'm sure that I could never find another one floating around quite like yours.
"Now, here's why the number 200 is Important. "
Here it comes, folks....
"Not everybody will be interested in this opportunity, "
Understatement! Understatement! A correct statement would be: "the number of people who are stupid enough, gullible enough, or dishonest enough to be interested in this opportunity is very tiny..."
"so you have to get this idea out to as many people as possible for it to work. Let's say only 7. 5% of the people respond - You'll get more than that,but let's just say 7. 5%."
Let's just say you're nuts. It's more a realistic statement. You are using 3 times the "industry standard" claim for return rate on these illegal chain letters, and their claims are not even close to being valid. Do you think that by pumping even the others' inflated, inaccurate and unconvincing numbers up that you are actually gaining credibility? That people will actually believe you can make over three quarters of a million dollars in 4 to 6 weeks? C'mon, the $50,000 the others claim is bad enough.
"When you post 200 letters at 7.5%,15 people send you letters wanting to get on your mailing list - $15. Those 15 people send 200 letters. Of those 3000 letters 225 people send you letters wanting to be on your mailing list - $225. Those 225 people send 200 letters. Of those 45,000 letters, 3,375 people send you letters to be on your mailing list - $3,375. Those 3,375 send out 200 letters. Of those 675,000 letters 50,625 people send you letters wanting to be on your mailing list - $50,625. Those 50,625 people send 200 letters out. Of those 10,125,000 people 759,375 respond wanting to be on your mailing list - $759,375. At this point your name drops off the list, but so far you have received 813,615 request to be on your mailing list. 813,615 dollars."
Well, at least you did your math correctly. Too bad it's so stupidly unrealistic to think that you could get this to actually work. Eight Hundred and Thirteen Thousand dollars? You have to be one of the most pathetic scam artists I have ever heard of - you can't even spin a barely convincing scam that would convince a total idiot, let alone the average idiot.
"It really works!"
You have to keep saying this, don't you? I guess you are going by the principle that if you say it enought times, your subconscious will eventually believe it whether it is true or not.
"But everybody has to be honest and do their part."
I see you've already flunked the honest part. Did you actually do the sending your dollars part, or did you just propagate the list?
"The more posts you make the better, but I recommend no less than 200 posts. The success of this program is based upon participation, honesty, follow through, and volume. "
This program is based upon the fact that you have one brain cell roaming around in your skull, and no one has yet been able to get it to lodge into its little socket. It's kind of like one of those little games with the picture of the clown on the card and the BBs to get in his nose. You're the clown, by the way.
"With over 18,000 newsgroups out there, it shouldn't be too hard to find 200 to post to. "
If you can't find them, try turning your computer on and logging into your internet provider (if you still have one, that is). Post them all to postmaster@localhost - he'll be glad to redistribute them for you.
"You may want to change the subject title header and some content of this message."
In this case, a title like "I'm a complete idiot and even more stupid and greedy than most MMF'ers" would be appropriate.
"Be careful of your title subject header so as not to flash the newsgroup you are posting in."
Sheesh, as if anyone who reads the newsgroups can't spot one of these from its title and size without ever opening the article.
"This is an honest and legitimate way to earn money at home, remember, they are paying you for the service of you putting them on your mailing list. "
You really ought to check out that US Postal Inspectors' Service page just once. Juuuust once.
"But only if you are genuine in your intentions and clearly understandable in your instructions will you succeed. "
I can see that you are genuine in your intentions to scam people. Your instructions were fairly understandable. Does that mean that you actually succeeded in scamming this many people? I thought not.
"If you or anyone else who joins do not follow through implicitely with these instructions, you cannot expect favorable results. "
Unfortunately, you can't expect favorable results in any case. Unless, of course, you consider 1) losing your ISP account, 2) possibly facing a heavy fine and jail time, 3) angry email and real mail, and 4) facing the wrath of all who consider you an ignorant cretin as favorable. It all depends upon your point of view, I suppose.
"You can, if you wish, remain anonymous, but please make sure your address as well as others on your list are correct. "
Point One... why would you want to remain anonymnous if this is so legal and legitimate? Point Two - how do you remain anonymous if your name and address is 1) on the list, and 2) correct? Point Three... how do you make sure the others' information on your list is correct, especially if they choose to remain anonymous while participating in this "totally legal and legitimate business opportunity"?
"Remember to send $1 to each of the 6 people on the list below ALONG WITH the note requesting to be on their mailing list. That is the part that keeps this all legal (as per Title 18, section 1302 & 1342 of the U. S Postal and Lottery Laws). "
Tsk, tsk. I see you still havent visited the US Postal Inspectors' Service page.
"Here is a list of 6 people, If you would like to be placed on their mailing lists, please follow the instructions enclosed in this message completely and to the letter.
Good Luck and Happy Holidays, J. Clinton."
It would be a lot happier if I didn't have to see posts from idiots like you on the newsgroups. The "Lifestyles of the Broke and Stupid" list follows..... These guys may not be named Robin, but they are sure leeches.
" 1. D. W. Erickson,516 Quince Rd. ,Harlan,IA. 51537 - 6524
2. C. Moreno,8306 Wilshire Blvd. 170, Beverly Hills, CA. 90211
3. B. Baumgardner 3314 Dillon Ave. Cheyenne, WY82001
4. K. J. O'Brien,14460 Mountain Rd. Glen
Allen,VA 23059 - 1548
terhardt@interserv. com
5. Eivind A. Eide. #166. 8745 165street, Edmonton,Alberta.
Canada
eide01@ibm. net T5R - 2R7
6. J. Clinton 1412 Croxton C - 6, Bloomington,Il.
61701
sleepy@ice. net "
::spit::
