The No Paragraphs Variant
This guy apparently does not believe in paragraphs, except to separate the list of twits out. OK - so that's a pretty lame thing to use for a title. I couldn't come up with anything else - any suggestions from the studio audience?
"If you need money you need to read this!!!!! This really works. It works because of basic mathematical and statistical principles."
No, the truth of the matter is that it doesn't work at all because of mathematical and statistical principles.
"It is definitely more profitable for all who participate."
Definitely more profitable than what? Please be a little more specific.
"What's a few moments of your time when it could produce a few thousand dollars with the an absolute minimum of effort and time."
What's a few years in jail if they decide to prosecute you?
"Please read on if you need serious money."
Is that opposed to comedic money?
"Look I have to be as skeptical as they come, I won't believe anything unless I see results. This case however, I think I can take the risk. Just look at the following and you'll see that the risk is basically nothing and the potential is astounding. Talk about making money with no effort at all. So I'm giving it a shot and we'll see how it goes"
So... how did it go? Did you just lose your ISP account or did the legal authorities come looking for you as well?
"________________________________________________________________________
Article adapted from S.Pyke: "As you most probably have seen, the latest
opportunity to make lots of money is sweeping the internet. If you wantto
partake in a perfectly legal opportunity to make up to $$ 50,000 in four
to six weeks read on. Skeptics keep reading.. Keep an open mind. You're
intelligent if you're skeptical. This process works because ofthe formula.
The formula will make this pay. This article will wxplain how to go about
getting involved. If you already know and just ant to use the address please
do. Those of you who are new and have a mere $ 5.00 to invest read the entire
article carefully. I am just an average person who enjoys the internet,
and of course making money. for months now I have been bombarded with this
quick money making opportunity and have always passed it off as being a
scam. Now I find that I really could use the money and it will be fun too.
So i said to myself even it it is a scam all I lost was $5.00, 5 envelopes
and postage. I can cover that, and if it works , we will all be better off."
Ever heard of paragraphs? Spell checking? And just how will we "all be better off" by partaking of this illegal scam. Hmmmm....?????
"SO LETS BEGIN!!!! First. Print this article now so you can refer to it as needed."
Yup - It's so complex I might not be able to remember all the details later.
"What you need to do is send a $1 to each of the five addresses listed below. Get five pieces ofpaper and on each one write: PLEASE PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST, YOUR ARE NUMBER X (THEIR NUMBER IN THIS ARTICLE)."
How original. Gosh - the incredible service of a mailing list. Yes, that ought to keep you out of the law's reach... No one has ever thought of that one before...
"Place a $1 in each of those letters so that they cannot be seen if the letter is held up to the light. Mail each letter with this comment and the $1 to the following five people:"
Yep - so many people try to candle your mail (uh, holding it up to a light to see through it, for you [I assume you are in need of clarification on that one] - it comes from "candling" eggs to see if they are good - putting a light behind them to check the yolk and/or developing embryo, originally done with candles) it will save you immense problems.
And may I have the candidates for twit of the year, please? And the candidates are.....
"************************************************************************ 1. Brian Edwards 5635 Kirkwood Blvd. SW #8 Cedar Rapids, IA 524042 2. James Valentino 1846 NW 16TH ST. OKC, OK 73127 USA 3. Daniel Richard 9912 Norlain Ave. Downey, CA 90240 USA 4. Bob Reese 8521 Winan Ave. Kansas City, MO 64153-3625 USA 5. Craig Seidler 1216B 18 Ave NW, Calgary Alberta, Canada, T2M 0W3 ************************************************************************ "
And the winner is...... ::riiip:: How about that, folks! A five way tie!!!!!
"HOW THE SYSTEM WORKS: Out of every 200 postings, lets say I only receive 5 replies(whic is very low). So that means I made my $5 back when my name was # . So i breake even!!! Now say each of those 5 people post to 200 news groups, now with your name at #4, which is statisticlly a total of 1,000 postings, excluding your 200. At the same rate 50 people now send you $1. Wow!! another $50!!. These 50 people each post 200 groups with your name at # 3, thats 10,000 postings ! Average return is now 500 at $1 each =$500.!! not bad for five bucks HUH?? It goes on Those people make 200 psotings each which leads to $ 5,000 and finally 5,000 people make 200 postings with your name at #1 .thats a potential of $50,000!! NOW YOUR NAME DROPS OFF THE LIST .. This is the results. Lets look at the worst!!! No one responds.. your out a whole five dollars. The potential is there and money is being made.. REMEMBER YOU CAN'T WIN IF YOU DON'T PLAY!!!! You must play fair or this won't work and you wont make any money at all!! If I still have your attention le me explain how to post to at least 200 newsgroups. Mind you this will only work if you follow the instructions exactly.If you put your name on the list without sending the money, you will not see significant results. By sending the money your are distributing your name to those already in the cycle who them may choose your name when they state a new cycll with five new random names. If you are honest you will be rewarded. Thats a promise.!!"
Another tremendous run-on paragraph, complete with bad spelling and obviously glued lines with no spaces between words. Not really any need to comment on the content, is there? Oh, OK - standard faulty math, assumption of the psychic powers of the future victims of the scam, and pathetic logic.
"************************************************************* INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO POST USING NETSCPE 3.0 AND HIGHER"
NETSCPE? Hmmm... must be a new browser. And higher? Please don't use the stupid v4.0 alpha/beta versions out there that leave the incredibly stupid HTML droppings all over the place any time you post or email anything. They just make your spam look even more stupid than it already does.
"1. click on any newsgroup like you usually would, then clic on "TO:NEWS" in upper right hand corner. This will bring up a message boc to type this article in."
Gosh, I wish you would get a spell checker.
"2. Leave the message box like it is,do not maximize it. In Subject box type something flashy like $$$ CASH READ HERE $$$."
Yes - that makes it easier for those of us that report you idiots to spot it, although my filters do a pretty good job of determining it automatically. It also makes it easier for those tired of seeing your illegal posts to filter anything with more than one dollar sign in it, the words "cash" "money" "fast," etc. You know - the ones who use *decent* newsreaders that have filters available? That lets you and your Netscrape out automatically.
"3. Tab once and you are ready to type in the body ofthe box. Retype this article but with your name inserted in slot #5 and the others moved up as I explained. Remember!! the # 1 in this article will be removed in yours."
Do you need this explicit of directions to go potty? Yes, you probably do, having the mentality of one who has not been potty trained yet.
"4. When you are done retyping this whole article with the proper changes, click on file in this message box,(it is right above send). Click on save as under FILE (make sure you in the news group message window, Not where is says netscape news) save your files as a text file to your c: drive or A: drive. DO NOT SEND, POST YOUR ARTICLE UNTIL YOU DO THIS!! Once it is saved move to the next step."
How about those of us who use hard drives that actually have names instead of cryptic alphabetical references? Oh, sorry. I forgot that you are obviously a MS-DOS person. My condolences on that, too.
"5. Post to at least 200 news groups, do the following: you can post to more which will bring you more money but 200 is the bare minimum. Go to a newsgroup you want to post in click on "TO NEWS". Write your subject just like you did when you typed this article. Hit tab once now click ATTACHMENT. Another box comes up. Find your file where you saved it. Highlight the file and click "OPEN". Now click OK. If you did this right you should see the file name in the attachments box in shaded letters."
Ah. Back to the potty training. Tell me something.... no, nevermind....
"6. NOW JUST CLICK SEND. Again do this to at least two hundered news groups there are over 18,000 each time it takes no more then 30 seconds.So its easy once you have re-typed this article."
Gee - like you obviously did? Try to learn how to use your word processor properly next time, okay?
"************************************************************* INSTRUCTIONS FOR EXPLORER 1. Holding down the left mouse button, highlight this article the press"CRTL" AND "C" at the same time to copy this article. 2. Print this article for reference. 3. Go to newsgroups and press"POST AN ARTICLE", a wndow will open . Type your headline in the subject area and click in the large window below. 4. Press "CRTL" and "V" at the same time and the article will be placed in the window. If you want to edit the article, do so and then highlight and copy it again. Now every time you want to post the article in a new newsgroup just do the "CRTL" "V" command and press post". thats all there is to it. When your finished sit back and watch the dollars roll in. To keep everyone honest you might want to check posting to make sure you name is still on the lists.. Rememeber it only works if your honest...If you try to deveive people by postin the messages with your name in the list and not sending the bucvks to the people already included, you will not get much. I know someone who did this and oly got about $150 and thats after two months. Then he sent $5, people added him to the list and in 4-5 weeks he had over $10,000 try it and you be happy!!! not counting all the money you get"
Oh. Joy. Another dissertation on how to spam using another newsreader, with no paragraphs and all the bad spelling and punctuation of the last time. Gawd, spammers seem to be getting more stupid all the time.
Note: Not more than 30 minutes after I sent the notification to the ISP on this one, I got this response back.
