OK, let's take a little [oft tongue-in-cheek] step by step analysis of one of these documents. Let's use a typical one. This one is one of the Boltinghouse Spams.
As they say in many of them, "OK, here goes..."
"Take five minutes to read this and it WILL change your life."
Yes, it certainly will - it will probably cause you to lose your account on your ISP, subject you to flames from the rest of usenet, may cause legal repercussions, and hold you up as an idiot in virtually any intelligent person's eyes.
"THIS IS NOT A SCAM AND I SWEAR I'M NOT LYING TO YOU"
Ah, OK Here we have an unsolicited testimony to your own truthfulness! And shout it to boot. Now I will believe you unreservedly. Loudness == veracity!
"The Internet has grown tremendously. It doubles in size every 4 months. think about it. "
OK, let's do think about it, even though, like a moron, you failed to capitalize that last sentence properly. Not being perfect myself, and your article being one of the better ones I have seen, I'll only point out every 5th or so spelling, punctuation, or grammatical error.
- You are posting to Usenet. Usenet is not the internet. Ignoring that ignorance...
- Some current estimates put the total number of computers currently with internet/usenet connectivity at around 40 million. Let's just, for the sake of conservatism, cut that in half to 20 million.
- First let's start by reverse engineering that statement to see when the internet first started. I've always been curious. If the "internet" [sic] doubles every four months, then going backwards in time in four month increments, it should halve itself each time. So let's try that. (remember, this table is in reverse chronology)
4 month period 1 4 month period 2 4 month period 3 Year 20 million 10 million 5 million year 1 2.5 million 1.25 million 625,000 year 2 312,500 56,250 78,125 year 3 39,062 19,531 9,765 year 4 4,882 2,441 1,220 year 5 610 305 152 year 6 76 38 19 year 7 9 4 2 year 8
Ergo, about 8 years ago, 2 guys (Grubor and Boursy) got together and said "Let's start the internet! It'll be so cool!" "Yeah, let's!! What's the internet?" And it's been a steady progression ever since.
- Now let's go the other way, which is apparently what you had in mind with that statement. This should be shorter. Starting with our conservative 20 million, doubling every four months, we get the following rate of growth:
4 month period 1 4 month period 2 4 month period 3 Year 40 million 80 million 160 million year 1 320 million 640 million 1.28 billion year 2 2.56 billion 5.12 billion 10.24 billion year 3
Ergo, within just a hair over 3 years, each and every man, woman and child on the face of the earth will have their very own computer and have internet connectivity as soon as they are born. Not to mention a fair quantity of dogs and cats.
"You see those ‘Make.Money.Fast' posts more and more."
Yes, you do. It's a shame, because the newbies on the net sometimes don't know any better, and you are trying to take advantage of their ignorance.
"Thats ... because it WORKS !"
Noooooo...., that's because one idiot like you can spam post to hundreds of groups in a short amount of time before his account gets suspended or cancelled (it doesn't matter that the spam cancellers will automatically cancel the MMF posts, they get still seen by someone during that time lag between posting and the cancel notice being issued). Also, please see the note on "whats" below - it also applies to "thats."
"So I thought, "
You? Think? You're stretching a bit. You DO want me to believe this, don't you?
"all those new users might make it work."
No, once again your flawed mathematical skills have been stumped beyond belief.
"And I decided to try it out, a few months ago."
Uh, aren't we getting our time line a little out of whack? Your first posts on this showed up only three days ago, according to every search engine on the planet.
"Besides, whats $5.00, I spend more than that in the morning on my way to work on coffee and cigs for the day."
hmmm... you spend $150/month on cigarettes and coffee? I can understand your need to try to scam others to recoup some of that money. Just to let you know, caffeine, sugar, chocolate and grease are not the four basic food groups (except for paramedics, firefighters, and police officers), and nicotine doesn't fit in there at all.
By the way, the word you're looking for is "what's." The apostrophe is to signify contraction from "what is." "Whats" is the plural of the word "what," as in "He used far too many ‘whats' in his sentence to make it clearly understandable."
"So I sent in my money and posted."
Yeah, I'll bet you sent your money in right away. Got a speeding ticket on the way to the post office, probably.
"Everyone was calling it a scam, "
Who is "everyone"? You actually checked with everyone? Huh. You are dedicated! So, is this the same group as "they"? In any event, in this case, "everyone" was right. When a large majority of independently corroborated sources tell you one thing, you might want to take a little closer look at the facts. Well, at least you didn't make the common claim to stupidity often seen in these letters that you even checked with your attorney (you'd better get one, by the way) and that even though he told you it was illegal, you decided it must be OK because everyone else was doing it. One point in your favor. You are now up to -9 zillion. Congratulations.
"but there are SO many new users from AOL, Netcom, etc. they will join in and make it work for you."
Ah, as I suspected, you know it won't work except for the innocent newbies that you are counting on to give *you* money. Preying on the AOL'ers. Tsk, tsk. Even drug pushers don't usually stoop that low.
"Well, two weeks later, I began recieving bucks in the mail!"
Hmmm... your post was dated today, and all such posts from you that could be found on the news search engines on the net were within the last three days. How does that reconcile with the "two weeks later" statement? Must have been a misunderstanding on my part. From what I read, it seems that your statements seem to lack a certain time continuity to them. Besides that, you misspelled receiving. Try a spell checker, for God's sake, when trying to write something that will impress others with your intelligence. Or at least repeat after me... "I before E except after C and when sounded as A as in Neighbor and Weigh."
"I couldn't believe it! "
Well, of course, you couldn't, because you know that you made it up. It's called *lying*. Some unethical and irresponsible people (you don't know anyone like that, do you?) resort to falsification to further their own ends. It's a lack of ethics, sadly.
"Not just a little, I mean big bucks!"
Just how big were these "bucks"? Maybe they were counterfeit if they were abnormal size - did you check them? Oh, you mean you received a lot of them. Hmm, received $1.98, I'll bet. (one of the players cheated a little and shorted you 2 cents. I'll bet you were really pissed at how they cheated you out of your money!)
"At first only a few hundred dollars, then a week later, a couple of thousand, then BOOM. By the end of the fourth week, I had recieved nearly $47,000.00."
Wait a minute! Your posts started 3 days ago. I think we've got that same little time line discrepancy here. Unless, of course, you used the money to have invented and perfected a time machine in which you have flown back to the present to tell us all about this fantastic idea that worked for you. I should think that you'd be better off coming back to sell your time machine. You'd make far more than the $47,000 off that, I can assure you.
"It came from all over the world."
Yup. And the moon is made of green cheese, too.
"And every bit of it perfectly legal and on the up and up."
I take it you've never seen fit to travel to the US Postal Inspectors' Service Chain Letter page to check this out? You know, the one where it says right there in plain English: "Chain letters are a form of gambling, and sending them through the mail (or delivering them in person or by computer, but mailing money to participate) violates Title 18, United States Code, Section 1302, the Postal Lottery Statute. Regardless of what technology is used to advance the scheme, if the mail is used at any step along the way, it is illegal."
"I've been able to pay off all my bills and still had enough left over for a nice vacation for me and my family."
You might want to save that vacation money for the lawyers and the IRS. By the way, I didn't see the standard claim in your letter about a shiny new black Accura in your driveway, like lots of them do. Did you miss that part, or just figure that it was a little outside the realm of credibility? (Because we all can see that your other claims are so credible, I can see why you might want to leave that one out - it might just cause a *hint* of suspicion)
"Not only does it work for me, it works for other folks as well."
Yep. Probably just about as well.
"Markus Valppu says he made $57,883 in four weeks. Dave Manning claims he made $53,664 in the same amount of time. Dan Shepstone says it was only $17,000 for him. "
That's amazing! Now I really believe! Uh, you got some sort of an address on these people I could, like, maybe check with them? Or a bank account number or something? Even a prison ID number would be helpful. Poor Dan. He must have been one of those who didn't play fair and not cheat.
"Do I know these folks?"
Of course not, you got them out of the original stupid chain letter you copied, or just made them up (congratulations on not using "John Jones" or "Bill Smith" for names, though).
"No, but when I read how they say they did it, it made sense to me. "
Ah. I see, you take unsubstantiated reports of vague, unverifiable people and give them credibility. The sense it made to you is probably because you don't have the sense God gave a slug.
"Enough sense that I'm taking a similar chance with $5 of my own bucks. "
See previous point. By the way, there's that time line discrepancy again. "Taking" is a form of present tense verb (transitive, actually), but you say you already made $47,000. Nice round figure, that. Most MMF'ers use $47,343 to make it look more legit - just a tip.
"Not a big chance, I admit"
So true - maybe that less than a slug's intelligence is starting to tell you something about how much chance you have to make money in this thing. Do the terms "snowball" and "Hell" bring anything to mind?
"--but one with incredible potential, "
Yes, incredible potential to land you in all sorts of trouble, in virtually every country on earth.
"because $5 is all anyone ever invests in this system. Period. That's all Markus, Dave, or Dan invested, yet their $5 netted them tens of thousands of dollars each,"
Invests? Invested!? ::wiping tears of laughter from eyes::
"in a safe, legal, completely legitimate way. Here's how it works in 3 easy steps:"
We've covered this one before. Why do you keep repeating it? The old addage ‘me thinks he doth protest too much' comes to mind. Hardly "safe" when you can lose your account, your liberty, and a considerable amount of money in legal fees and penalties, not to mention the respect of others.
"STEP 1. Invest"
:: wiping tears of mirth again::
"your $5 by writing your name and address on five seperate pieces of paper along with the words: "PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR MAILING LIST." (In this way, you're not just sending a dollar to someone; you're paying for a legitimate service.) "
Uh, I see you still haven't visited the US Postal Inspectors' Service page, where it says: "Do not be fooled if the chain letter is used to sell inexpensive reports on credit, mail order sales, mailing lists, or other topics. The primary purpose is to take your money, not to sell information. ‘Selling' a product does not ensure legality." You know, that page?
"Fold a $1 bill, money order, or bank note inside each paper, "
Hmm, I thought you said it only took $5. If I decide to use 5 money orders, won't that cost me more? I'm not sure I want to participate if making $50,000 is going to cost this much. And let me get this straight - you want me to go and get 5 bank notes for $1 each? What do I explain to the bank tellers who laugh themselves silly when I ask? Do you take checks instead?
"and mail them by standard U. S. Mail to the following five addresses:"
NAMES and addresses of the stupid/ignorant/or scammers go here
What if I don't live in the US? I know, minor oversight nit pick. Sorry, it won't happen again. Dear me, that nasty ol' USPIS page comes in again. I realize you are probably tired of hearing about it (not wanting to be bothered with facts, because your scam is made up), but... "....Regardless of what technology is used to advance the scheme, if the mail is used at any step along the way, it is illegal."
Ah, here's another place where I have a little difficulty. Even if I use a fake name, fake user ID, faked headers, etc., when I post my 250 articles, I still have to get the money somehow. Wait! I KNOW! I'll rent a P.O. box or Mail Drop Box under an assumed name! That'll fool 'em! The USPIS or other law enforcement agencies would never think of getting a court order to examine the records of someone involved in Postal Fraud or other illegal activities! And the people who run the drop box would never suspect that all those thosands of letters I'm going to get are any sort of an illegal chain letter! I'll make more than enough on this to rent dozens of mailboxes even! Then I can use different names and addresses and even make more money!
"STEP 2. Now remove the top name from the list, and move the other names up. This way, #5 becomes #4 and so on. Put your name in as the fifth one on the list."
OK, blindingly obvious, but I have to admit, there are other morons like you out there who might need the step-by-step approach.
"STEP 3. Post the article to at least 250 newsgroups. There are at least 19000 newsgroups at any given moment in time. Try posting to as many newsgroups as you can. Remember the more groups you post to, the more people will see your article and send you cash!"
Yes, and you will generate even more of a chance someone will turn you in to your ISP, the USPIS, the FTC, the IRS, and any other agency that they can think of to eliminate your irritating kind from usenet.
"STEP 4. You are now in business for yourself"
Business? Oh, I see - back to the investment thing again. ::wiping tears of laughter for the third time:: Stop, please, you're killing me....
", and should start seeing returns within 7 to 14 days!"
Oh, I think I can safely say returns will come much faster than 7 to 14 days. More like 7 to 14 minutes. Certainly inside of an hour. Returns such as flaming Email, or "We regret to inform you that your internet account with us has been terminated due to illegal activity and excessive cross posting and/or excessive multi-posting of articles to usenet." The results within 7 to 14 days may be more like: "Good afternoon. My name is Cheezum. J.C. Cheezum, United States Postal Inspector's Office. May we have a few words?"
"Remember, the Internet is new and huge."
No, it has been around in various forms since the late 1960's/early 1970's. Yes, it is huge - all the more for you to make a huge fool of yourself.
"There is no way you can lose.:"
Uh, let me count the ways...
"Now here is how and why this system work Out of every block of 250 posts I made"
Warning! Warning! Time line discrepancy again! "Made" is a past tense verb. You really should read "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams and get your time oriented tenses down correctly if you're going to do this sort of time travel on a routine basis. Oh, by the way, "...why this system work."? You don't mean, by chance, "works," do you?
", I got back 5 responses. "
OK, 1 in 50 ain't bad. I suspect, however, that you probably got a lot more responses than that. It seems you are not counting the mail filling your Email box (and possible your real mailbox) with everything from helpful advice on how stupid you were, to hate filled flames, or the warning or termination notice from your ISP.
"Yes, that's right, only 5. "
OK, you've gotten 5 other people involved here. You're being honest. Really. That's cool, there's probably that many silly sods out there that will fall for this. I'm beginning to believe in this thing.
"You make $5.00 in cash, not checks or money orders, but real cash with your name at #5."
Uh, wait... I thought you said it was OK to use money orders? I'm so confused.
"Each additional person who sent you $1.00 now also makes 250 additional postings with your name at #4, 1000 postings. On average then, 50 people will send you $1.00 with your name at #4,....$50.00 in your pocket!"
Hmmm... something funny seems to be going on with these numbers. Didn't you say five people sent you money? Isn't 5 X 250 1,250? And isn't 1/50th (your stated return rate) of 1,000 (by your own figures) $20, not $50?
"Now these 50 new people will make 250 postings each with your name at #3 or 10,000 postings. Average return, 500 people = $500. "
Still seems funny to me. I thought 50 x 250 was 12,500. My calculator must be wrong. Still, 1/50th of that (or $250) ain't bad. But wait, I thought you said $500 at 10,000 people? Isn't that a 1 in 20 return, not a 1 in 50 like you promised earlier? It seems as if you're not quite consitant in your mathematics. Well, 1 in 20 is better than 1 in 50 anyway - this way sounds better to me.
"They make 250 postings each with your name at #2 = 100,000 postings = 5000 returns at $1.00 each = $5,000.00 in cash!"
OK, you're saying that 500 times 250 is 100,000. Still seems a little funny to me. Isn't 250 x 500 125,000 postings? So if 5 in 250 send me my money (it's mine, you know - share the wealth!), won't I be getting $2,500? My calculator must be off again. Maybe it's the batteries.
"Finally, 5,000 people make 250 postings each with your name at #1 and you get a return of $60,000 before your name drops off the list."
I must say, it still seems funny to me. Isn't 5,000 x 250 1,250,000? If only 5 of 250 (1 in 50) respond, isn't that $25,000? My calculator must be wrong yet again. And I've even changed the batteries after the last time. I still believe you, though. You told me you weren't lying and that this isn't a scam. You've convinced me.
"And that's only if everyone down the line makes only 250 postings each! Your total income for this one cycle is $55,000. From time to time when you see your name is no longer on the list, you take the latest posting you can find and start all over again."
Wow - that's pretty good! Let me see if I've got this right. I made $5 the first cycle, $50 the second, $500 the third, $5000 the fourth, and $60,000 the fifth? And out of that, I made $55,000? Let me get out my calculator again, that doesn't quite seem right. $60,000 + $5,000 + $500 + $50 + $5 = $65,555. HEY! WHO STOLE MY OTHER $10,555????
I'd better check this further. Calculator on. OK. Battery check - OK. Soooo, now.... I get 5 people to send me $1. Those 5 people get 5 more to respond. That's 25 people. Check. They each get 5 more by flooding usenet with their trashy articles (who cares, we're sharing the wealth, and when everybody gets involved, it will be even better, so we need to let them all know about this great, legal, honest, and ethical way to make money anyway. No one will ever have to work again, we'll just "share the wealth" with everybody - everybody will be rich and no one will be poor ever again! The money will come from somewhere, I'm sure.). OK, that's 125. They each get 5 more. Hmm.. 625, that seems reasonable, although it appears as if I am a little behind on the curve. Ok, step 5, they each get 5 more. That's only 3,125 people sending me my money. Hey! Where's my $55,000??!?!?!?! You must have gotten your numbers wrong or something.
Wait... wait.. Calm down. Maybe I have to be patient and run this a few more cycles.... let me see... ...multiply it by 5 again, ok, take that times 5 again.... uh, times (what was that number again? Oh yeah...) 5 once more.... Uhm.... by my calculations, by the time the 13th cycle goes by, this thing exceeds the population of the entire planet, including children, the Bushmen of the Kalahari, and intelligent people who would not get involved anyway. HEYYYYY!!! WHAT KIND OF A MO-RON DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, ANYWAY???!?!!!!! I don't believe in you any more!
"From time to time when you see your name is no longer on the list, you take the latest posting you can find and start all over again."
Oh, yes, spam again. Please. Then we can all report you to your ISP, the Post Office, the FTC and everyone else again. They probably don't do anything more to repeat offenders than they do to first time losers.
"The end result depends on you. "
Yes - the end result as to whether you want to be a fool or not before millions of people, and possibly go to jail and face a heavy fine.
"You must follow through and repost this article everywhere you can think of. "
That way you can piss off even more people and get much more outrage generated at your expense. But you'll be making $50,000, don't forget!
"The more postings you make, the more cash ends up in your mailbox."
See previous point.
"It's too easy and too cheap to pass up!!!"
My mother always taught me if it's too easy or too cheap, pass it up. Sorry yours didn't do the same for you. I learned that when you try to get something for nothing you usually getting less than you paid for it.
"So thats it. Pretty simple sounding stuff, huh?"
Pretty *simplistic* sounding, more like.
I believe you... Oh yes, your credibility is back up to very high with me. How could I have ever doubted you? Especially after you shouted about how truthful you were being and how much it was not a scam. I always believe the people who shout the loudest. I would never dare dream of your being less than absolutely honest with me. You certainly have convinced me again, yessiree Bob. I take back all my unfounded suspicions and comments.
"There are millions of people surfing the net every day, all day, all over the world."
Wow! A factoid. Now I can believe you even more! Even though it isn't related to a thing!
"And 100,000 new people get on the net every day. You know that, you've seen the stories in the paper."
Uhm, I thought you said it doubled every 4 months? That would double only the conservative 20 million we used in a previous example in 200 days. I suspect you aren't quite checking your facts. Maybe I should go back to not believing you.
"So, my friend, "
Uh, my real friends would not try to involve me in some sort of an illegal activity. Are you my real friend?
"read and follow the simple instructions and play fair. Thats the key, and thats all there is to it. "
Oh, yes, I will certainly play just as fairly as you have done, "my friend." And hey!? What happened to the 100 line or more step-by-step description of how to do this using your newsreader/browser, which, of course, you automatically assume that every other person in the world is a) using, and b) as moronic as you are and need directions to post their articles? All the other MMF'ers are including that. Why not you? Do you want to appear behind the times? Technologically ignorant? You'd better clean up your act!Oops, and your "thats" is slipping again - I explained patiently once about apostrophes and that it should be "that's." Please try to pay attention. Uh, also, just so you will know, that should be "fairly" - an adverb describing the verb "play."
"Print this out right now so you can refer back to this article easily. Try to keep an eye on all the postings you made to make sure everyone is playing fairly. You know where your name should be."
Yes indeed - check each and every one of the "19,000" newsgroups for your message and keep track of where you are on each and every list. Should be no problem, especially if you'll loan me that new fangled time travel machine you seem to have.
"If you're really not sure or still think this can't be for real, then don't do it.
Wow. An actual sage piece of advice. You're slipping.
"But please print this article and pass it along to someone you know who really needs the bucks, and see what happens."
Especially if they happen to be your enemy, and not really very bright.
"REMEMBER....HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. YOU DON'T NEED TO CHEAT THE BASIC IDEA TO MAKE THE BUCKS! GOOD LUCK TO ALL, AND PLEASE PLAY FAIR AND YOU WILL WIN AND MAKE SOME REAL INSTANT FREE CASH!"
Oooh! Ooooh! No need to shout again, I heard you. Let me see.... Let me write this down... "Honesty is the best..." ::scribble scribble::.. "don't need to cheat..." ::scribble scribble::.. "Play fair and..." ::scribble scribble::.. "real instant free cash..." ::scribble scribble::.. OK, got it. Any other hot tips?
"*** By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with your name in the list and not sending the bucks to the people already included, you will not get much. I know someone who did this and only got about $150 (and that's after two months). Then he sent the 5 bills, people added him to their lists, and in 4-5 weeks he had over $10,000!"
Yes, I forgot that the majority of people out there are psychic and would know instantly if you didn't follow the whole plan, and those that aren't can call the Psychic Hotline to check on the others on the list. Thanks for reminding me to make sure I send *you* *your* dollar. I'll get it off in the mail right away. I hope you will be happy together. Please be assured that any ticking or unusual smell from the package it arrives in (I wanted to use plenty of padding so no one would suspect it is a dollar bill) is absolutely normal, and no cause for alarm. You're learning, though. You got "that's" right this time.
"TRY IT AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY!!! :o) !!!!!!!!!!"
I suppose so. I guess I could be happy being broke, having irate people emailing, mailing, and phoning me, lawyers fees, no internet access, and pending federal prosecution. I'd probably be a lot happier if all those things didn't happen, though.
All comments within these pages are expressed as personal opinions only.
© 1997 Ken Lucke - all rights reserved
